Seven Years Later...

 

Seven years later the pain is not so raw

It is always there but not so suffocating

I go about my life in a completely normal fashion

No one who meets me would ever know

I have had many happy days and memories since then

Days and memories that I know would have been so different with you here

But every once in a while the wounds must breathe

Alone in my car, in a bathroom stall, in a doctor’s office…

I have cried in them all

I still have days when I pull out your chest in my closet and go through everything in it

I relive the entire experience and let the tears flow

Then I fold it neatly back up, put it away, wash my face, and get on with my day

I am not crazy

I am not depressed

I am simply a mother who buried two of her babies

And as long as I live I will have days or moments like that

And that is okay

I have accepted that now

Your brother brings me much joy here on earth and asks so many questions about you

I will show him your stuff one day

But for now it is just for me in my closet and for those moments when I need to relive it a little

Seven years later I am better but never again completely whole until I see you again...

March

Every March the world welcomes spring

And all of the warmth and colors it brings

Blooms awaken from their winter rest

Birds chirp and ready their nest

The sun lingers a little longer each day

Kids are emerging and beginning to play

The world comes alive and fills with glee

But this is not what March means to me

For me it brings the anniversary of a death

The anniversary of the day my baby took his last breath

The marking of another year since I last saw his face

The remembrance of a dark time and place

Another year to wonder what he would be today

Another year when no one will know what to say

Some will be afraid to mention your name to me

Others will offer some form of sympathy

March….a month that I must get through each year

Time marches on I guess….even without you here

The Ending of the Beep

Beep, beep, beep…..silence

I never knew how comforting the beep was until it stopped

Dark, dark, dark

The screen went dark as they turned it off

Why, why, why

My question is just as unanswered today as it was that night

Walk, walk, walk,

Put one foot in front of the other and try to move on

Sob, sob, sob

Mostly in the seclusion of my home is where the tears fall

Years, years, years

The seasons have rolled by five times now since that March

Beat, beat, beat

I watched on a tiny screen as your heart beat in my womb

And I watched on a tiny screen as your heart stopped in my arms

The ending of the beep was the beginning of the dark, the questions, and the tears

The ending of the beep still haunts me

The Cemetery

Blankets of flowers adorn the earth’s floor


I shiver as I open up my car door

With a bouquet in hand I make my way

To the patch of ground where I left you that day

I have been here many times before

Yet each time I tell myself I should come more

I stand and I wonder how long I should stay

What should I bring you…what should I say

I look around at the faded flowers in vases

I close my eyes and see their faces

The faces of other moms, dads, husbands and wives

Who come here to visit and ponder their lives

To cry and to miss their loved one below

And gather the strength to once again go

Five years have passed since I last saw your face

But it never gets easier to leave you in this place

Yet leaving is what I must make myself do

But know that part of my heart is buried here too

The part that died when I lost you that night

And I shiver once more as I drive out of sight

The one thing that comforts me as your grave fades from view

Is knowing your brother is buried with you

Two tiny boys we placed side by side

I am sorry you both suffered and I am sorry you both died

My body failed you and my body failed me

And now I must leave you in this cemetery

It is Raining

It is raining outside
Like any mother I worry about my babies in the rain
I want to keep them nice and dry so they don’t catch a cold
But I can’t put rain boots and a rain coat on my babies
My babies are in the ground
They are in the wet muddy ground
There are many people that would argue that they are not truly there
Sure I know that
But that is where I placed their bodies and I still feel protective of them
I still have that maternal instinct to guard my eggs in the nest
So I worry when it is raining
I worry when it is snowing
I worry when it is storming
I worry when it is windy
I even worry when it is sunny and bright outside
Because even on the sunniest of days it is raining on my heart

The Beating of a Heart

It all started and ended with the beating of a heart

The first time I saw those three beating hearts on that screen my own heart skipped a beat

When I actually got to hear them it was the most precious sound I have ever heard

As a woman who had struggled to get pregnant for so long I couldn’t believe that those wonderful sounds of life were coming from within my womb.

The first crushing blow came when one of those hearts stopped beating 26 weeks later

We don’t know why it stopped they told me sadly

Still I tried to focus on those other two beating hearts

They were hanging on and even though a part of my own heart had just died I had to hang on for them

A few days later as those precious blessings were delivered from my womb I prayed that those two hearts would continue to beat on their own

Every second was so unpredictable and the fear of the unknown scared me to death

When I finally heard that those two little miracles were doing as well as could be expected, a little bit of my own heart started beating again and I could finally breathe for the first time in days

Then two weeks later another blow stopped my heart once again

Brady was sick

For the next five months, every beat of Brady’s heart and every breathe that he took was documented on a little monitor next to his bed

If anything was slightly off, an alarm would sound and a nurse would run to his side

I jumped at every little beep for the first couple of weeks until finally I barely noticed them anymore.

There was no monitor strapped to my heart but if there had been there would surely have been moments when alarms sounded

For my heart stopped numerous times and was broken and crushed every time another bit of bad news was delivered to me

Finally the worst news came of all

Brady’s heart was sick and could not be fixed

So we turned off those monitors and focused instead on loving him with all of our hearts

Then on a cold night in late March, I found myself staring at a screen once again

But this time there was no heartbeat and there was no sound

That little heart had stopped beating and along with it I knew that I had lost a piece of my own heart forever.

The One I Got to Keep

I often dwell on the sons that I lost
But that dwelling comes at a very high cost
Because I almost forget about the son I got to keep
The one who curls up in my lap and drifts off to sleep
The one who plays for hours with trains and blocks
The one who is learning to put on his own shoes and socks
The one who is growing up more and more each day
The one who will one day be all grown up and moving away
So I know I need to savor all of these days
And make a conscience effort to step out of my haze
Because this little boy lived and I need to live too
And he is there each day to make sure that I do
Because he tugs at my hand and tells me to come play
He is a child ready to seize each and every day
Yes this little boy is the one who survived
And when I look at him my spirit is revived
The pain of my loss is so very deep
But I thank God every day for the one I got to keep

Christmas in Heaven

Holidays in heaven are a mystery to me
Do you have stockings and a Christmas tree?
Do you tear into gifts with that wide eye joy?
Do you even get to have or play with a toy?
Down here holidays are tough to get through
I think about you in all that I do
I wish I was taking you to see Santa and sit on his lap
I wish I was dressing you in cute little boots and a hat
I wish I was watching you take in all the lights
I wish I was reading you holiday stories each night
For the holidays are all about children you see
So it is hard not to think of the two who left me
Your brother gives me so much joy and peace
But that joy is bittersweet to say the least
But when I get too sad and upset
I close my eyes and try not to forget
To remember that you may not sit with Santa in his red hat
But you do sit upon the lap of someone much greater than that
You sit upon the lap of our Lord in all of his glory
And he probably tells you a much greater story
The story of his love for you and for me
And the gift that he gave that won’t fit under a tree
He gave the gift of his life and his grace
So that one day I may have the chance again to see your sweet face
And that is the best gift I will ever receive
So this Christmas Season, I truly do believe
Not in the man with the reindeer and sleigh
But in the man who will bring us together again one day
And so until then I hope you are surrounded by his love and his light
Merry Christmas my boys, sleep well and sleep tight!

How is it going up there boys?

How is going up there Brady and Ben?
You don’t know how much I long to ask you that question.
I ask Braxton about his day when I pick him up after work.
He tells me all about how he played outside on the slide or the swings.
He tells me what he had for lunch.
He tells me about the normal things that a two year old boy does.
Oh how I wish I knew how your day went.
Did you sing with angels?
Did you play on a cloud?
Did you look down on Braxton, me, or Daddy?
Did you hear me when I talked to you?
Just once I would love to hear you tell me that you are okay.
Of course I know that you are but as a mother I long to hear it.
I long to kiss your cheek and tell you that I love you.
So, how is it going up there boys?
Down here it is going okay but we miss you.
So until I am up there with you I will think of you daily.
And every now and then when I see something beautiful that catches my eye
I will take it as a sign that you are telling me that you are okay.

I will smile knowing that my boys are saying

“We had a good day mommy.”

Boys Did You Know

Boys did you know….
When your daddy was a little boy, his mommy passed away
That made your daddy very sad and still bothers him today
Boys did you know …
That daddy was only eight years old and needed his mommy still
But sometimes things happen that we don’t understand and probably never will
Boys did you know...
Your daddy thought he had experienced the worse pain around
Until the day he had to place two of his baby boys in the ground
Boys did you know...
That grown men can cry
They cannot shield their hearts from pain no matter how hard they try
Boys did you know ...
That the one thing that brought your daddy comfort was thinking of his mother
And knowing that the three of you would be up there with each other
Boys did you know...
That you would get to have the mommy that he had to let go
He used to wonder why and now he might just know
For maybe just maybe he had to lose his mommy so she could be there for you
And give him a sense of peace that might just see him through.

I never realized that a building could make you physically ill until now
Every time I go near the hospital where you spent your short little life
My heart begins to beat faster and feel heavier
When I have to actually go in the building I am a complete wreck
I sob uncontrollably at every corner that I turn
For every nook and cranny of that place is filled with a bittersweet memory
Those walls were my world and yours for almost five months
You died in my arms in a little room on the fourth floor
Yes I miss you every day and every moment no matter where I am
But when I go there I feel your presence even more—that is where you lived
We never got to take you home so that hospital is your home—but you are not there anymore
I almost expect to get off the elevator and see you in your tiny little bed
That building is like a time machine and my heart is like a ticking bomb
And when I enter that place it explodes with emotions and memories of you.

You Will Eventually Get Over It....

You will eventually get over it…

You will eventually get over it...
If I hear these words again I will scream
This is my life not some unfortunate dream
Sure I will just grow a new heart
One that is not broken and torn all apart
The pain of losing a child never goes away
You just learn to live with it day after day
You can’t understand if you have never been in my shoes
So I will just eventually get over the words that you choose

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady I used to say
Kisses for Brady that I planted each day
Kisses for Brady I brought to your hospital bed
Kisses for Brady I placed on your head
Kisses for Brady from your mommy to you
Kisses for Brady—not much more I could do
For Kisses for Brady were all I could give
But Kisses for Brady didn’t help you live
And when you passed away late one night
I gave you kiss after kiss and held you so tight
For I wanted to make sure you had enough kisses to get you through
Until I could get to heaven to be with you
And when that day comes I will kiss you again
And this time I will bring my kisses for Ben
But until I can get there-love and enjoy one another
And wait for the kisses from your loving mother.

March for Babies 2010!

Today we walked for you
Because you never got the chance to learn how to walk
Today we wore t-shirts with your name and buttons with your picture
Because you never got the chance to wear the clothes we bought for you
Today we stopped and remembered you
Because you deserve to be remembered
Today we met others who had lost babies like you
Because they are hurting just like us
Today we raised money for a good cause
Because we don’t want others to know our pain
Today we told your story
Because you didn’t live to get to tell it yourself
Today we made a flower for you and placed it in a memory garden
Because like a flower you were so very beautiful and delicate
Today we started a tradition that we hope will continue for years to come
Because we never want to stop telling your story and remembering you
Today we missed you greatly
Because today is no different than any other day—we miss you everyday
Today we took a step toward healing, a step towards hope, and a step towards a brighter tomorrow.

He doesn't know

Braxton pointed to one of the pictures we have in our house of Brady and said "A baby." How it crushed my heart to hear him say this. He, of course, has no idea that the baby in that picture is his brother or that the baby should not be a baby anymore but a toddler like him. He also doesn't know that there is yet a third baby that we don't even have a picture of that should also be his age. They were my triplet baby boys. They will always be but unfortunatley they are not all together right now. I never even got to have a picture of all three of them together. One day of course Braxton will know the story of his brothers and what happened but until that day comes I just have to fight back my tears and keep it to myself. We made the decision to keep pictures of Brady up around the house because he is our son and we love him. We don't have a shrine to him but we do have some of his pictures out. I know one day Braxton will want to know who he is and I will tell him. But for now he doesn't know that that is the way it should be. Childhood innocence is so fleeting and I want his to last as long as possible.

Eyes

Eyes

They say that eyes are the windows to the soul
If you could look into mine, you would see a hole
A hole so big it can never be filled
A pain so strong, it can never be healed
But you would also see the love that overflows
The joy that I feel as my surviving son grows
The peace that I know I am finding day by day
The feeling that I might eventually be okay
No that hole will never be filled
But I know that my fate is already sealed
For I will be united with my sons at the end of this life’s track
And only then will I have my whole heart back.

The Little Things

The Little Things

It is the little things that make me sad
It is the little things that are a reminder of the experience I never had
It is the little things that make me remember the pain
It is the little things that make me speak your name
Yet is also the little things that bring me cheer
The little things that make me aware of what I have here
It is the little things that show me I have been blessed
It is the little things that keep me from becoming depressed
For I have a lot to be thankful for I truly, truly know
And I will cherish all the little things as I go

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

One, Two, Three baby boys growing inside their mother’s womb
One, Two, Three baby boys kick and wiggle for room
Everything looks great with all three—these were the words that they said to me
One, Two Baby boys still kicking with glee
But something was not right with number three
He has no heartbeat and we don’t know why-these were the words they said to me
After the shock wore off I began to cry
The other two still look good they said with a sigh
They checked me again the very next day
We have to get them all out and right away
Prepare for delivery—it is an emergency—these were the words they said to me
Braxton looks great and just needs to grow
Brady’s progress , however, is moving a little more slow
He needs to be moved to another hospital for a while
But he’ll be just fine they said with a smile
So off he went with all his belongings in a sack
Little did we know he would never be back
He is having complications and we will just have to wait and see—these were the words they said to me
We wait and we pray day after day
But finally they come to me and this is what they say
He is not going to make it—there is nothing more we can do
I am sorry that you are going to lose not one baby but two
Your baby is gone—his heart beats no more and his energy is spent
But at least he was in your arms when he went
Hold him for a little longer and take as long as you need—these were the words that they said to me
One little boy snuggles into my chest
The only one of the three that I have left
He survived and his brothers did not
It is not the ending he deserved but it is the one that he got
Your beginning was rough but your future is not dim-these were the words that I said to him
For God took two but left me one
And I will continue to go on for you my sweet little son
Your brothers are with you in spirit and will live on through you
They will shine with you in all that you do
He gave me hug and a kiss and said one little word
The sweetest word I have ever heard
“Mommy” he said as clear as can be—this was the word that he said to me

To Ben

To Ben

Sometimes I feel that I am more open about my grief over Brady’s death than over yours
But I finally realized that I don’t grieve more for one of you than the other, I just grieve differently
The day they told me that you had no heartbeat
A little piece of my heart stopped too
Although I was pregnant with three baby boys
I was equally excited for all of you
I was excited for what life would hold for you all as individuals and as brothers
Yet I was being told that your life was over before it began
I cried and I grieved and I got angry and that has not changed
When you were born they asked me if I wanted to see you
How could I not want to see this beautiful creature that had grown inside me for all of these months
They warned me that you would look different because you were still
I told them that I still wanted to see my baby
They brought you to me and Daddy wrapped in a tiny little blanket
The first thing I noticed was your nose
You had my nose
Then I noticed your hands and feet
They were perfect
We held you for a few minutes and took you in
They gave me a few mementos of you to keep
I still have them but holding you for that brief moment is the memento I will keep forever
No I don’t grieve in the same way for both of you
But I grieve for both of you still
I grieve for what was, what could have been, and what never will be
I will love you always---Love Mommy

New Year, New Purpose

As I begin the year 2010 I have decided to start updating this blog more. However, I am now solely dedicating this blog to my thoughts and feelings about Brady and Ben. Afterall, the name of the blog pretty much sums up why I created the blog to begin with--to remember and to love Brady and Ben. This blog is really part of my therapy in trying to heal a little bit each day. I know I will never heal completely because when you lose a child, part of your heart dies with them. Part of your heart is gone forever and you can never get it back until you are with your child again. I have also created a second blog that is more dedicated to the every day ramblings surrounding my life with Michael and our surviving son Braxton. You can check that blog out at hangingwiththebutlers.blogspot.com

Happy 2010 everyone!!