The Radio Sings

The Radio Sings

My love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings
These are the words that the radio sings
These are the words that played in your room day after day
These are the words that expressed what I couldn’t say
For I do hope that you can feel my love each night
I hope you can feel my arms around you so tight
I hope you feel my kisses against your cheek
I hope you can hear the soft words that I speak
Good night my two boys and sleep tight
I wish I was there to tuck you in for the night
But you are there and I am here
You seem so far away but yet so near
So until I can be there with you, take this love that the angels bring
And listen to the words that the radio sings
Sweet dreams, little men, sweet dreams

Going Home

Going Home

It never got to happen
I never got to bring you home
I would watch as other babies would move to stepdown
I would count the days until that was you
I would count the days until you came home with us
Everything at the house was ready for you and your brothers
Sweet Ben we lost from the start and we knew he would never make it home
But for you we had hope—lots of hope
We were given many many assurances that you would eventually be just fine
But you were not just fine—you kept having setbacks
You kept getting sicker and sicker until finally there was no hope
Then we counted days again—but this time it was the days we had left with you
The days until you got to go home but not to our home but to your heavenly home
It was not the home we had planned for you
It was not the kind of countdown we had wanted
But in the end-it was the countdown we got

And finally late one night in my arms—you went home

Butterflies

I saw two butterflies today and they took my breath away
Two butterflies just inches from a little boy at play
He smiled at them as they caught his eye
These two little butterflies just fluttering by
Finally they came to rest in a nearby tree
The tree that was planted with love by me
Before I knew it I started to cry
And these two little butterflies were the reason why
A butterfly is a symbol of a mother who has lost a child they say
That is why these two butterflies took my breath away
For I have lost not one child but two
And I wonder if these two little butterflies are a message from you
A message that my two little boys are okay
And just wanted to watch over their brother at play

A new post almost a year later!

I cannot believe that I have not posted to this blog for almost an entire year. However, life happens and sometimes you let some things go. Although Brady and Ben are never far from my thoughts, this time of year is really hard because it is the anniversary of the birth of the babies and the beginning of our heartache. This year is a little easier than last year but the ache in my heart for the two missing little boys who are not here will never go away. Braxton is almost two and is turning in to such a big boy. He is no longer a baby and really has his own little personality. While that makes me so happy, I do wonder what Brady and Ben would look like at this age and what their personalities would be. I think I will always wonder that. I am about to graduate with my Masters in December. I never thought I would make it to the finish line after all that has happened but it looks like I am going to make it. I am proud of myself for pushing on towards my goals. Grief is a funny thing. I am okay most of the time but it still just takes a little something to send it all rushing back. I can't go to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital without having a breakdown but I tell myself that I am allowed to have these breakdowns. Overall, Michael, Braxton and I are doing well and trying to move on with our lives but Brady and Ben will always be part of our family and part of our story.

The One Year Anniversary of the Birth

I have not blogged in quite some time. The one year anniversary of the birth of my babies and the death of Ben is coming up in 16 days. This has been a really painful month for me because it was this time last year that I had all of my baby showers and the last couple of weeks of happiness that I had before my world came crashing down. On a positive note Braxton is doing great and growing up so much more everyday. I am trying to plan his one year birthday party but it is going to be a very difficult day for me. I don't want his birthday to be a sad day every year. He does not deserve that. Yet, I also don't want to forget about Brady and Ben on that day either. I heard about a mother who had one surviving triplet and every year on their birthday the survivor picked out two birthday balloons-one for each of her brothers. She then realeases the balloons to her brothers up in heaven so that they can share their birthday with her in some way. I kind of like that idea and may try to incorporate it into how we get through this time every year. Braxton will probably dictate to me how he wants to remember his brothers when he is old enough to understand what happened. Everyone says that the year of "firsts" is the hardest. I don't know if that is true or not but I do know that I am just really feeling the brunt of the situation a lot here recently as we prepare to face what is surely going to be another emotional time for us.

Missing Brady and Ben Bad Today

Some days are just so much harder than others. I am really missing my babies very bad today. It is almost as if somedays I am so consumed with Braxton and his needs that I don't really have time to think about everything that has happend that much. Yet other times it just hits me that I buried two of my babies just two months ago and I cry as hard as I did the day it happened. I think about all that Brady went through and how much he suffered and I just get angry. I would be lying if I didn't say that at times I hate God, I doubt his existence and I curse his name. However, then when I look at Braxton and the miracle that he is I wondered how I could ever doubt that there is a God. I just don't understand why he would take my other two. Michael came home the other night and told me that they had arrested a man who beat his 10 month old to death. The first thought that came to my mind was "why would God have given them a healthy baby that they were just going to mistreat and take two of mine." Of course that baby did not deserve to die-no baby does but sometimes I am just overwhelmed at the anger I feel now towards everything. I hope and pray every day that I will find some peace and be able to deal with all of this. The pain is just still so fresh.

Getting Motivated for the Road Ahead

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I would post today. I am due to start work again at the first of July and graduate school again at the end of August. I am really having a hard time getting motivated to get back into "real" life. Ever since everything has happened I have been kinda sheltered in my own house and in my own little world with just me and Braxton. The idea of having to go back and face the everyday tasks of work and school just seem a little overwhelming to me at times. I always knew I would have to go back-even when I thought I would have triplets right now I still planned to go back to work and school eventually. I just thought that I would be going back a happy person with the three little babies I had waited for so long at home waiting for me every day. I just didn't expect to be going back with just one baby and forever changed with the heartache of losing two. I am a different person now. I have seen things in the months that Brady was alive that I couldn't have imagined seeing before. I have held two of my dead babies. I spent six hours with Brady after he died. The idea of that may freak some people out but it was perfectly natural for me to hold and love on this baby that I had known and loved for five months. I am kinda getting off topic here. I say all this to say that even though I have adjusted to not being at the hospital every day now I still have really not had to face the challenge of getting back into my life as it was before. I really would just love to stay at home with Braxton and finish my degree before I go back to work. However part of me feels that it may be good for me to get out there and have some social interaction again. I am just taking things a day at a time. If I do go back to work then I have got to go shopping for some new clothes because there is no way I can fit into my old sizes again quite yet. An excuse to go shopping is always nice-ha-ha.