I never realized that a building could make you physically ill until now
Every time I go near the hospital where you spent your short little life
My heart begins to beat faster and feel heavier
When I have to actually go in the building I am a complete wreck
I sob uncontrollably at every corner that I turn
For every nook and cranny of that place is filled with a bittersweet memory
Those walls were my world and yours for almost five months
You died in my arms in a little room on the fourth floor
Yes I miss you every day and every moment no matter where I am
But when I go there I feel your presence even more—that is where you lived
We never got to take you home so that hospital is your home—but you are not there anymore
I almost expect to get off the elevator and see you in your tiny little bed
That building is like a time machine and my heart is like a ticking bomb
And when I enter that place it explodes with emotions and memories of you.

You Will Eventually Get Over It....

You will eventually get over it…

You will eventually get over it...
If I hear these words again I will scream
This is my life not some unfortunate dream
Sure I will just grow a new heart
One that is not broken and torn all apart
The pain of losing a child never goes away
You just learn to live with it day after day
You can’t understand if you have never been in my shoes
So I will just eventually get over the words that you choose

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady I used to say
Kisses for Brady that I planted each day
Kisses for Brady I brought to your hospital bed
Kisses for Brady I placed on your head
Kisses for Brady from your mommy to you
Kisses for Brady—not much more I could do
For Kisses for Brady were all I could give
But Kisses for Brady didn’t help you live
And when you passed away late one night
I gave you kiss after kiss and held you so tight
For I wanted to make sure you had enough kisses to get you through
Until I could get to heaven to be with you
And when that day comes I will kiss you again
And this time I will bring my kisses for Ben
But until I can get there-love and enjoy one another
And wait for the kisses from your loving mother.

March for Babies 2010!

Today we walked for you
Because you never got the chance to learn how to walk
Today we wore t-shirts with your name and buttons with your picture
Because you never got the chance to wear the clothes we bought for you
Today we stopped and remembered you
Because you deserve to be remembered
Today we met others who had lost babies like you
Because they are hurting just like us
Today we raised money for a good cause
Because we don’t want others to know our pain
Today we told your story
Because you didn’t live to get to tell it yourself
Today we made a flower for you and placed it in a memory garden
Because like a flower you were so very beautiful and delicate
Today we started a tradition that we hope will continue for years to come
Because we never want to stop telling your story and remembering you
Today we missed you greatly
Because today is no different than any other day—we miss you everyday
Today we took a step toward healing, a step towards hope, and a step towards a brighter tomorrow.

He doesn't know

Braxton pointed to one of the pictures we have in our house of Brady and said "A baby." How it crushed my heart to hear him say this. He, of course, has no idea that the baby in that picture is his brother or that the baby should not be a baby anymore but a toddler like him. He also doesn't know that there is yet a third baby that we don't even have a picture of that should also be his age. They were my triplet baby boys. They will always be but unfortunatley they are not all together right now. I never even got to have a picture of all three of them together. One day of course Braxton will know the story of his brothers and what happened but until that day comes I just have to fight back my tears and keep it to myself. We made the decision to keep pictures of Brady up around the house because he is our son and we love him. We don't have a shrine to him but we do have some of his pictures out. I know one day Braxton will want to know who he is and I will tell him. But for now he doesn't know that that is the way it should be. Childhood innocence is so fleeting and I want his to last as long as possible.

Eyes

Eyes

They say that eyes are the windows to the soul
If you could look into mine, you would see a hole
A hole so big it can never be filled
A pain so strong, it can never be healed
But you would also see the love that overflows
The joy that I feel as my surviving son grows
The peace that I know I am finding day by day
The feeling that I might eventually be okay
No that hole will never be filled
But I know that my fate is already sealed
For I will be united with my sons at the end of this life’s track
And only then will I have my whole heart back.

The Little Things

The Little Things

It is the little things that make me sad
It is the little things that are a reminder of the experience I never had
It is the little things that make me remember the pain
It is the little things that make me speak your name
Yet is also the little things that bring me cheer
The little things that make me aware of what I have here
It is the little things that show me I have been blessed
It is the little things that keep me from becoming depressed
For I have a lot to be thankful for I truly, truly know
And I will cherish all the little things as I go