Christmas in Heaven

Holidays in heaven are a mystery to me
Do you have stockings and a Christmas tree?
Do you tear into gifts with that wide eye joy?
Do you even get to have or play with a toy?
Down here holidays are tough to get through
I think about you in all that I do
I wish I was taking you to see Santa and sit on his lap
I wish I was dressing you in cute little boots and a hat
I wish I was watching you take in all the lights
I wish I was reading you holiday stories each night
For the holidays are all about children you see
So it is hard not to think of the two who left me
Your brother gives me so much joy and peace
But that joy is bittersweet to say the least
But when I get too sad and upset
I close my eyes and try not to forget
To remember that you may not sit with Santa in his red hat
But you do sit upon the lap of someone much greater than that
You sit upon the lap of our Lord in all of his glory
And he probably tells you a much greater story
The story of his love for you and for me
And the gift that he gave that won’t fit under a tree
He gave the gift of his life and his grace
So that one day I may have the chance again to see your sweet face
And that is the best gift I will ever receive
So this Christmas Season, I truly do believe
Not in the man with the reindeer and sleigh
But in the man who will bring us together again one day
And so until then I hope you are surrounded by his love and his light
Merry Christmas my boys, sleep well and sleep tight!

How is it going up there boys?

How is going up there Brady and Ben?
You don’t know how much I long to ask you that question.
I ask Braxton about his day when I pick him up after work.
He tells me all about how he played outside on the slide or the swings.
He tells me what he had for lunch.
He tells me about the normal things that a two year old boy does.
Oh how I wish I knew how your day went.
Did you sing with angels?
Did you play on a cloud?
Did you look down on Braxton, me, or Daddy?
Did you hear me when I talked to you?
Just once I would love to hear you tell me that you are okay.
Of course I know that you are but as a mother I long to hear it.
I long to kiss your cheek and tell you that I love you.
So, how is it going up there boys?
Down here it is going okay but we miss you.
So until I am up there with you I will think of you daily.
And every now and then when I see something beautiful that catches my eye
I will take it as a sign that you are telling me that you are okay.

I will smile knowing that my boys are saying

“We had a good day mommy.”

Boys Did You Know

Boys did you know….
When your daddy was a little boy, his mommy passed away
That made your daddy very sad and still bothers him today
Boys did you know …
That daddy was only eight years old and needed his mommy still
But sometimes things happen that we don’t understand and probably never will
Boys did you know...
Your daddy thought he had experienced the worse pain around
Until the day he had to place two of his baby boys in the ground
Boys did you know...
That grown men can cry
They cannot shield their hearts from pain no matter how hard they try
Boys did you know ...
That the one thing that brought your daddy comfort was thinking of his mother
And knowing that the three of you would be up there with each other
Boys did you know...
That you would get to have the mommy that he had to let go
He used to wonder why and now he might just know
For maybe just maybe he had to lose his mommy so she could be there for you
And give him a sense of peace that might just see him through.

I never realized that a building could make you physically ill until now
Every time I go near the hospital where you spent your short little life
My heart begins to beat faster and feel heavier
When I have to actually go in the building I am a complete wreck
I sob uncontrollably at every corner that I turn
For every nook and cranny of that place is filled with a bittersweet memory
Those walls were my world and yours for almost five months
You died in my arms in a little room on the fourth floor
Yes I miss you every day and every moment no matter where I am
But when I go there I feel your presence even more—that is where you lived
We never got to take you home so that hospital is your home—but you are not there anymore
I almost expect to get off the elevator and see you in your tiny little bed
That building is like a time machine and my heart is like a ticking bomb
And when I enter that place it explodes with emotions and memories of you.

You Will Eventually Get Over It....

You will eventually get over it…

You will eventually get over it...
If I hear these words again I will scream
This is my life not some unfortunate dream
Sure I will just grow a new heart
One that is not broken and torn all apart
The pain of losing a child never goes away
You just learn to live with it day after day
You can’t understand if you have never been in my shoes
So I will just eventually get over the words that you choose

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady I used to say
Kisses for Brady that I planted each day
Kisses for Brady I brought to your hospital bed
Kisses for Brady I placed on your head
Kisses for Brady from your mommy to you
Kisses for Brady—not much more I could do
For Kisses for Brady were all I could give
But Kisses for Brady didn’t help you live
And when you passed away late one night
I gave you kiss after kiss and held you so tight
For I wanted to make sure you had enough kisses to get you through
Until I could get to heaven to be with you
And when that day comes I will kiss you again
And this time I will bring my kisses for Ben
But until I can get there-love and enjoy one another
And wait for the kisses from your loving mother.

March for Babies 2010!

Today we walked for you
Because you never got the chance to learn how to walk
Today we wore t-shirts with your name and buttons with your picture
Because you never got the chance to wear the clothes we bought for you
Today we stopped and remembered you
Because you deserve to be remembered
Today we met others who had lost babies like you
Because they are hurting just like us
Today we raised money for a good cause
Because we don’t want others to know our pain
Today we told your story
Because you didn’t live to get to tell it yourself
Today we made a flower for you and placed it in a memory garden
Because like a flower you were so very beautiful and delicate
Today we started a tradition that we hope will continue for years to come
Because we never want to stop telling your story and remembering you
Today we missed you greatly
Because today is no different than any other day—we miss you everyday
Today we took a step toward healing, a step towards hope, and a step towards a brighter tomorrow.