Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Missing Brady and Ben Bad Today

Some days are just so much harder than others. I am really missing my babies very bad today. It is almost as if somedays I am so consumed with Braxton and his needs that I don't really have time to think about everything that has happend that much. Yet other times it just hits me that I buried two of my babies just two months ago and I cry as hard as I did the day it happened. I think about all that Brady went through and how much he suffered and I just get angry. I would be lying if I didn't say that at times I hate God, I doubt his existence and I curse his name. However, then when I look at Braxton and the miracle that he is I wondered how I could ever doubt that there is a God. I just don't understand why he would take my other two. Michael came home the other night and told me that they had arrested a man who beat his 10 month old to death. The first thought that came to my mind was "why would God have given them a healthy baby that they were just going to mistreat and take two of mine." Of course that baby did not deserve to die-no baby does but sometimes I am just overwhelmed at the anger I feel now towards everything. I hope and pray every day that I will find some peace and be able to deal with all of this. The pain is just still so fresh.

Thursday, June 5, 2008

Getting Motivated for the Road Ahead

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I would post today. I am due to start work again at the first of July and graduate school again at the end of August. I am really having a hard time getting motivated to get back into "real" life. Ever since everything has happened I have been kinda sheltered in my own house and in my own little world with just me and Braxton. The idea of having to go back and face the everyday tasks of work and school just seem a little overwhelming to me at times. I always knew I would have to go back-even when I thought I would have triplets right now I still planned to go back to work and school eventually. I just thought that I would be going back a happy person with the three little babies I had waited for so long at home waiting for me every day. I just didn't expect to be going back with just one baby and forever changed with the heartache of losing two. I am a different person now. I have seen things in the months that Brady was alive that I couldn't have imagined seeing before. I have held two of my dead babies. I spent six hours with Brady after he died. The idea of that may freak some people out but it was perfectly natural for me to hold and love on this baby that I had known and loved for five months. I am kinda getting off topic here. I say all this to say that even though I have adjusted to not being at the hospital every day now I still have really not had to face the challenge of getting back into my life as it was before. I really would just love to stay at home with Braxton and finish my degree before I go back to work. However part of me feels that it may be good for me to get out there and have some social interaction again. I am just taking things a day at a time. If I do go back to work then I have got to go shopping for some new clothes because there is no way I can fit into my old sizes again quite yet. An excuse to go shopping is always nice-ha-ha.