Friday, December 17, 2010

Christmas in Heaven

Holidays in heaven are a mystery to me
Do you have stockings and a Christmas tree?
Do you tear into gifts with that wide eye joy?
Do you even get to have or play with a toy?
Down here holidays are tough to get through
I think about you in all that I do
I wish I was taking you to see Santa and sit on his lap
I wish I was dressing you in cute little boots and a hat
I wish I was watching you take in all the lights
I wish I was reading you holiday stories each night
For the holidays are all about children you see
So it is hard not to think of the two who left me
Your brother gives me so much joy and peace
But that joy is bittersweet to say the least
But when I get too sad and upset
I close my eyes and try not to forget
To remember that you may not sit with Santa in his red hat
But you do sit upon the lap of someone much greater than that
You sit upon the lap of our Lord in all of his glory
And he probably tells you a much greater story
The story of his love for you and for me
And the gift that he gave that won’t fit under a tree
He gave the gift of his life and his grace
So that one day I may have the chance again to see your sweet face
And that is the best gift I will ever receive
So this Christmas Season, I truly do believe
Not in the man with the reindeer and sleigh
But in the man who will bring us together again one day
And so until then I hope you are surrounded by his love and his light
Merry Christmas my boys, sleep well and sleep tight!

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

How is it going up there boys?

How is going up there Brady and Ben?
You don’t know how much I long to ask you that question.
I ask Braxton about his day when I pick him up after work.
He tells me all about how he played outside on the slide or the swings.
He tells me what he had for lunch.
He tells me about the normal things that a two year old boy does.
Oh how I wish I knew how your day went.
Did you sing with angels?
Did you play on a cloud?
Did you look down on Braxton, me, or Daddy?
Did you hear me when I talked to you?
Just once I would love to hear you tell me that you are okay.
Of course I know that you are but as a mother I long to hear it.
I long to kiss your cheek and tell you that I love you.
So, how is it going up there boys?
Down here it is going okay but we miss you.
So until I am up there with you I will think of you daily.
And every now and then when I see something beautiful that catches my eye
I will take it as a sign that you are telling me that you are okay.
I will smile knowing that my boys are saying
“We had a good day mommy.”

Thursday, June 24, 2010

Boys Did You Know

Boys did you know….
When your daddy was a little boy, his mommy passed away
That made your daddy very sad and still bothers him today
Boys did you know …
That daddy was only eight years old and needed his mommy still
But sometimes things happen that we don’t understand and probably never will
Boys did you know...
Your daddy thought he had experienced the worse pain around
Until the day he had to place two of his baby boys in the ground
Boys did you know...
That grown men can cry
They cannot shield their hearts from pain no matter how hard they try
Boys did you know ...
That the one thing that brought your daddy comfort was thinking of his mother
And knowing that the three of you would be up there with each other
Boys did you know...
That you would get to have the mommy that he had to let go
He used to wonder why and now he might just know
For maybe just maybe he had to lose his mommy so she could be there for you
And give him a sense of peace that might just see him through.

Thursday, June 10, 2010

I never realized that a building could make you physically ill until now
Every time I go near the hospital where you spent your short little life
My heart begins to beat faster and feel heavier
When I have to actually go in the building I am a complete wreck
I sob uncontrollably at every corner that I turn
For every nook and cranny of that place is filled with a bittersweet memory
Those walls were my world and yours for almost five months
You died in my arms in a little room on the fourth floor
Yes I miss you every day and every moment no matter where I am
But when I go there I feel your presence even more—that is where you lived
We never got to take you home so that hospital is your home—but you are not there anymore
I almost expect to get off the elevator and see you in your tiny little bed
That building is like a time machine and my heart is like a ticking bomb
And when I enter that place it explodes with emotions and memories of you.

Thursday, June 3, 2010

You Will Eventually Get Over It....

You will eventually get over it…

You will eventually get over it...
If I hear these words again I will scream
This is my life not some unfortunate dream
Sure I will just grow a new heart
One that is not broken and torn all apart
The pain of losing a child never goes away
You just learn to live with it day after day
You can’t understand if you have never been in my shoes
So I will just eventually get over the words that you choose

Friday, May 28, 2010

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady

Kisses for Brady I used to say
Kisses for Brady that I planted each day
Kisses for Brady I brought to your hospital bed
Kisses for Brady I placed on your head
Kisses for Brady from your mommy to you
Kisses for Brady—not much more I could do
For Kisses for Brady were all I could give
But Kisses for Brady didn’t help you live
And when you passed away late one night
I gave you kiss after kiss and held you so tight
For I wanted to make sure you had enough kisses to get you through
Until I could get to heaven to be with you
And when that day comes I will kiss you again
And this time I will bring my kisses for Ben
But until I can get there-love and enjoy one another
And wait for the kisses from your loving mother.

Friday, April 23, 2010

March for Babies 2010!

Today we walked for you
Because you never got the chance to learn how to walk
Today we wore t-shirts with your name and buttons with your picture
Because you never got the chance to wear the clothes we bought for you
Today we stopped and remembered you
Because you deserve to be remembered
Today we met others who had lost babies like you
Because they are hurting just like us
Today we raised money for a good cause
Because we don’t want others to know our pain
Today we told your story
Because you didn’t live to get to tell it yourself
Today we made a flower for you and placed it in a memory garden
Because like a flower you were so very beautiful and delicate
Today we started a tradition that we hope will continue for years to come
Because we never want to stop telling your story and remembering you
Today we missed you greatly
Because today is no different than any other day—we miss you everyday
Today we took a step toward healing, a step towards hope, and a step towards a brighter tomorrow.

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

He doesn't know

Braxton pointed to one of the pictures we have in our house of Brady and said "A baby." How it crushed my heart to hear him say this. He, of course, has no idea that the baby in that picture is his brother or that the baby should not be a baby anymore but a toddler like him. He also doesn't know that there is yet a third baby that we don't even have a picture of that should also be his age. They were my triplet baby boys. They will always be but unfortunatley they are not all together right now. I never even got to have a picture of all three of them together. One day of course Braxton will know the story of his brothers and what happened but until that day comes I just have to fight back my tears and keep it to myself. We made the decision to keep pictures of Brady up around the house because he is our son and we love him. We don't have a shrine to him but we do have some of his pictures out. I know one day Braxton will want to know who he is and I will tell him. But for now he doesn't know that that is the way it should be. Childhood innocence is so fleeting and I want his to last as long as possible.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010



They say that eyes are the windows to the soul
If you could look into mine, you would see a hole
A hole so big it can never be filled
A pain so strong, it can never be healed
But you would also see the love that overflows
The joy that I feel as my surviving son grows
The peace that I know I am finding day by day
The feeling that I might eventually be okay
No that hole will never be filled
But I know that my fate is already sealed
For I will be united with my sons at the end of this life’s track
And only then will I have my whole heart back.

Thursday, January 14, 2010

The Little Things

The Little Things

It is the little things that make me sad
It is the little things that are a reminder of the experience I never had
It is the little things that make me remember the pain
It is the little things that make me speak your name
Yet is also the little things that bring me cheer
The little things that make me aware of what I have here
It is the little things that show me I have been blessed
It is the little things that keep me from becoming depressed
For I have a lot to be thankful for I truly, truly know
And I will cherish all the little things as I go

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

One, Two, Three baby boys growing inside their mother’s womb
One, Two, Three baby boys kick and wiggle for room
Everything looks great with all three—these were the words that they said to me
One, Two Baby boys still kicking with glee
But something was not right with number three
He has no heartbeat and we don’t know why-these were the words they said to me
After the shock wore off I began to cry
The other two still look good they said with a sigh
They checked me again the very next day
We have to get them all out and right away
Prepare for delivery—it is an emergency—these were the words they said to me
Braxton looks great and just needs to grow
Brady’s progress , however, is moving a little more slow
He needs to be moved to another hospital for a while
But he’ll be just fine they said with a smile
So off he went with all his belongings in a sack
Little did we know he would never be back
He is having complications and we will just have to wait and see—these were the words they said to me
We wait and we pray day after day
But finally they come to me and this is what they say
He is not going to make it—there is nothing more we can do
I am sorry that you are going to lose not one baby but two
Your baby is gone—his heart beats no more and his energy is spent
But at least he was in your arms when he went
Hold him for a little longer and take as long as you need—these were the words that they said to me
One little boy snuggles into my chest
The only one of the three that I have left
He survived and his brothers did not
It is not the ending he deserved but it is the one that he got
Your beginning was rough but your future is not dim-these were the words that I said to him
For God took two but left me one
And I will continue to go on for you my sweet little son
Your brothers are with you in spirit and will live on through you
They will shine with you in all that you do
He gave me hug and a kiss and said one little word
The sweetest word I have ever heard
“Mommy” he said as clear as can be—this was the word that he said to me

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

To Ben

To Ben

Sometimes I feel that I am more open about my grief over Brady’s death than over yours
But I finally realized that I don’t grieve more for one of you than the other, I just grieve differently
The day they told me that you had no heartbeat
A little piece of my heart stopped too
Although I was pregnant with three baby boys
I was equally excited for all of you
I was excited for what life would hold for you all as individuals and as brothers
Yet I was being told that your life was over before it began
I cried and I grieved and I got angry and that has not changed
When you were born they asked me if I wanted to see you
How could I not want to see this beautiful creature that had grown inside me for all of these months
They warned me that you would look different because you were still
I told them that I still wanted to see my baby
They brought you to me and Daddy wrapped in a tiny little blanket
The first thing I noticed was your nose
You had my nose
Then I noticed your hands and feet
They were perfect
We held you for a few minutes and took you in
They gave me a few mementos of you to keep
I still have them but holding you for that brief moment is the memento I will keep forever
No I don’t grieve in the same way for both of you
But I grieve for both of you still
I grieve for what was, what could have been, and what never will be
I will love you always---Love Mommy

New Year, New Purpose

As I begin the year 2010 I have decided to start updating this blog more. However, I am now solely dedicating this blog to my thoughts and feelings about Brady and Ben. Afterall, the name of the blog pretty much sums up why I created the blog to begin with--to remember and to love Brady and Ben. This blog is really part of my therapy in trying to heal a little bit each day. I know I will never heal completely because when you lose a child, part of your heart dies with them. Part of your heart is gone forever and you can never get it back until you are with your child again. I have also created a second blog that is more dedicated to the every day ramblings surrounding my life with Michael and our surviving son Braxton. You can check that blog out at
Happy 2010 everyone!!

The Radio Sings

The Radio Sings

My love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings
These are the words that the radio sings
These are the words that played in your room day after day
These are the words that expressed what I couldn’t say
For I do hope that you can feel my love each night
I hope you can feel my arms around you so tight
I hope you feel my kisses against your cheek
I hope you can hear the soft words that I speak
Good night my two boys and sleep tight
I wish I was there to tuck you in for the night
But you are there and I am here
You seem so far away but yet so near
So until I can be there with you, take this love that the angels bring
And listen to the words that the radio sings
Sweet dreams, little men, sweet dreams

Going Home

Going Home

It never got to happen
I never got to bring you home
I would watch as other babies would move to stepdown
I would count the days until that was you
I would count the days until you came home with us
Everything at the house was ready for you and your brothers
Sweet Ben we lost from the start and we knew he would never make it home
But for you we had hope—lots of hope
We were given many many assurances that you would eventually be just fine
But you were not just fine—you kept having setbacks
You kept getting sicker and sicker until finally there was no hope
Then we counted days again—but this time it was the days we had left with you
The days until you got to go home but not to our home but to your heavenly home
It was not the home we had planned for you
It was not the kind of countdown we had wanted
But in the end-it was the countdown we got

And finally late one night in my arms—you went home