To Ben

To Ben

Sometimes I feel that I am more open about my grief over Brady’s death than over yours
But I finally realized that I don’t grieve more for one of you than the other, I just grieve differently
The day they told me that you had no heartbeat
A little piece of my heart stopped too
Although I was pregnant with three baby boys
I was equally excited for all of you
I was excited for what life would hold for you all as individuals and as brothers
Yet I was being told that your life was over before it began
I cried and I grieved and I got angry and that has not changed
When you were born they asked me if I wanted to see you
How could I not want to see this beautiful creature that had grown inside me for all of these months
They warned me that you would look different because you were still
I told them that I still wanted to see my baby
They brought you to me and Daddy wrapped in a tiny little blanket
The first thing I noticed was your nose
You had my nose
Then I noticed your hands and feet
They were perfect
We held you for a few minutes and took you in
They gave me a few mementos of you to keep
I still have them but holding you for that brief moment is the memento I will keep forever
No I don’t grieve in the same way for both of you
But I grieve for both of you still
I grieve for what was, what could have been, and what never will be
I will love you always---Love Mommy