He doesn't know

Braxton pointed to one of the pictures we have in our house of Brady and said "A baby." How it crushed my heart to hear him say this. He, of course, has no idea that the baby in that picture is his brother or that the baby should not be a baby anymore but a toddler like him. He also doesn't know that there is yet a third baby that we don't even have a picture of that should also be his age. They were my triplet baby boys. They will always be but unfortunatley they are not all together right now. I never even got to have a picture of all three of them together. One day of course Braxton will know the story of his brothers and what happened but until that day comes I just have to fight back my tears and keep it to myself. We made the decision to keep pictures of Brady up around the house because he is our son and we love him. We don't have a shrine to him but we do have some of his pictures out. I know one day Braxton will want to know who he is and I will tell him. But for now he doesn't know that that is the way it should be. Childhood innocence is so fleeting and I want his to last as long as possible.

Eyes

Eyes

They say that eyes are the windows to the soul
If you could look into mine, you would see a hole
A hole so big it can never be filled
A pain so strong, it can never be healed
But you would also see the love that overflows
The joy that I feel as my surviving son grows
The peace that I know I am finding day by day
The feeling that I might eventually be okay
No that hole will never be filled
But I know that my fate is already sealed
For I will be united with my sons at the end of this life’s track
And only then will I have my whole heart back.

The Little Things

The Little Things

It is the little things that make me sad
It is the little things that are a reminder of the experience I never had
It is the little things that make me remember the pain
It is the little things that make me speak your name
Yet is also the little things that bring me cheer
The little things that make me aware of what I have here
It is the little things that show me I have been blessed
It is the little things that keep me from becoming depressed
For I have a lot to be thankful for I truly, truly know
And I will cherish all the little things as I go

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

These Were the Words That They Said to Me

One, Two, Three baby boys growing inside their mother’s womb
One, Two, Three baby boys kick and wiggle for room
Everything looks great with all three—these were the words that they said to me
One, Two Baby boys still kicking with glee
But something was not right with number three
He has no heartbeat and we don’t know why-these were the words they said to me
After the shock wore off I began to cry
The other two still look good they said with a sigh
They checked me again the very next day
We have to get them all out and right away
Prepare for delivery—it is an emergency—these were the words they said to me
Braxton looks great and just needs to grow
Brady’s progress , however, is moving a little more slow
He needs to be moved to another hospital for a while
But he’ll be just fine they said with a smile
So off he went with all his belongings in a sack
Little did we know he would never be back
He is having complications and we will just have to wait and see—these were the words they said to me
We wait and we pray day after day
But finally they come to me and this is what they say
He is not going to make it—there is nothing more we can do
I am sorry that you are going to lose not one baby but two
Your baby is gone—his heart beats no more and his energy is spent
But at least he was in your arms when he went
Hold him for a little longer and take as long as you need—these were the words that they said to me
One little boy snuggles into my chest
The only one of the three that I have left
He survived and his brothers did not
It is not the ending he deserved but it is the one that he got
Your beginning was rough but your future is not dim-these were the words that I said to him
For God took two but left me one
And I will continue to go on for you my sweet little son
Your brothers are with you in spirit and will live on through you
They will shine with you in all that you do
He gave me hug and a kiss and said one little word
The sweetest word I have ever heard
“Mommy” he said as clear as can be—this was the word that he said to me

To Ben

To Ben

Sometimes I feel that I am more open about my grief over Brady’s death than over yours
But I finally realized that I don’t grieve more for one of you than the other, I just grieve differently
The day they told me that you had no heartbeat
A little piece of my heart stopped too
Although I was pregnant with three baby boys
I was equally excited for all of you
I was excited for what life would hold for you all as individuals and as brothers
Yet I was being told that your life was over before it began
I cried and I grieved and I got angry and that has not changed
When you were born they asked me if I wanted to see you
How could I not want to see this beautiful creature that had grown inside me for all of these months
They warned me that you would look different because you were still
I told them that I still wanted to see my baby
They brought you to me and Daddy wrapped in a tiny little blanket
The first thing I noticed was your nose
You had my nose
Then I noticed your hands and feet
They were perfect
We held you for a few minutes and took you in
They gave me a few mementos of you to keep
I still have them but holding you for that brief moment is the memento I will keep forever
No I don’t grieve in the same way for both of you
But I grieve for both of you still
I grieve for what was, what could have been, and what never will be
I will love you always---Love Mommy

New Year, New Purpose

As I begin the year 2010 I have decided to start updating this blog more. However, I am now solely dedicating this blog to my thoughts and feelings about Brady and Ben. Afterall, the name of the blog pretty much sums up why I created the blog to begin with--to remember and to love Brady and Ben. This blog is really part of my therapy in trying to heal a little bit each day. I know I will never heal completely because when you lose a child, part of your heart dies with them. Part of your heart is gone forever and you can never get it back until you are with your child again. I have also created a second blog that is more dedicated to the every day ramblings surrounding my life with Michael and our surviving son Braxton. You can check that blog out at hangingwiththebutlers.blogspot.com

Happy 2010 everyone!!

The Radio Sings

The Radio Sings

My love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings
These are the words that the radio sings
These are the words that played in your room day after day
These are the words that expressed what I couldn’t say
For I do hope that you can feel my love each night
I hope you can feel my arms around you so tight
I hope you feel my kisses against your cheek
I hope you can hear the soft words that I speak
Good night my two boys and sleep tight
I wish I was there to tuck you in for the night
But you are there and I am here
You seem so far away but yet so near
So until I can be there with you, take this love that the angels bring
And listen to the words that the radio sings
Sweet dreams, little men, sweet dreams