It is Raining

It is raining outside
Like any mother I worry about my babies in the rain
I want to keep them nice and dry so they don’t catch a cold
But I can’t put rain boots and a rain coat on my babies
My babies are in the ground
They are in the wet muddy ground
There are many people that would argue that they are not truly there
Sure I know that
But that is where I placed their bodies and I still feel protective of them
I still have that maternal instinct to guard my eggs in the nest
So I worry when it is raining
I worry when it is snowing
I worry when it is storming
I worry when it is windy
I even worry when it is sunny and bright outside
Because even on the sunniest of days it is raining on my heart

The Beating of a Heart

It all started and ended with the beating of a heart

The first time I saw those three beating hearts on that screen my own heart skipped a beat

When I actually got to hear them it was the most precious sound I have ever heard

As a woman who had struggled to get pregnant for so long I couldn’t believe that those wonderful sounds of life were coming from within my womb.

The first crushing blow came when one of those hearts stopped beating 26 weeks later

We don’t know why it stopped they told me sadly

Still I tried to focus on those other two beating hearts

They were hanging on and even though a part of my own heart had just died I had to hang on for them

A few days later as those precious blessings were delivered from my womb I prayed that those two hearts would continue to beat on their own

Every second was so unpredictable and the fear of the unknown scared me to death

When I finally heard that those two little miracles were doing as well as could be expected, a little bit of my own heart started beating again and I could finally breathe for the first time in days

Then two weeks later another blow stopped my heart once again

Brady was sick

For the next five months, every beat of Brady’s heart and every breathe that he took was documented on a little monitor next to his bed

If anything was slightly off, an alarm would sound and a nurse would run to his side

I jumped at every little beep for the first couple of weeks until finally I barely noticed them anymore.

There was no monitor strapped to my heart but if there had been there would surely have been moments when alarms sounded

For my heart stopped numerous times and was broken and crushed every time another bit of bad news was delivered to me

Finally the worst news came of all

Brady’s heart was sick and could not be fixed

So we turned off those monitors and focused instead on loving him with all of our hearts

Then on a cold night in late March, I found myself staring at a screen once again

But this time there was no heartbeat and there was no sound

That little heart had stopped beating and along with it I knew that I had lost a piece of my own heart forever.

The One I Got to Keep

I often dwell on the sons that I lost
But that dwelling comes at a very high cost
Because I almost forget about the son I got to keep
The one who curls up in my lap and drifts off to sleep
The one who plays for hours with trains and blocks
The one who is learning to put on his own shoes and socks
The one who is growing up more and more each day
The one who will one day be all grown up and moving away
So I know I need to savor all of these days
And make a conscience effort to step out of my haze
Because this little boy lived and I need to live too
And he is there each day to make sure that I do
Because he tugs at my hand and tells me to come play
He is a child ready to seize each and every day
Yes this little boy is the one who survived
And when I look at him my spirit is revived
The pain of my loss is so very deep
But I thank God every day for the one I got to keep

Christmas in Heaven

Holidays in heaven are a mystery to me
Do you have stockings and a Christmas tree?
Do you tear into gifts with that wide eye joy?
Do you even get to have or play with a toy?
Down here holidays are tough to get through
I think about you in all that I do
I wish I was taking you to see Santa and sit on his lap
I wish I was dressing you in cute little boots and a hat
I wish I was watching you take in all the lights
I wish I was reading you holiday stories each night
For the holidays are all about children you see
So it is hard not to think of the two who left me
Your brother gives me so much joy and peace
But that joy is bittersweet to say the least
But when I get too sad and upset
I close my eyes and try not to forget
To remember that you may not sit with Santa in his red hat
But you do sit upon the lap of someone much greater than that
You sit upon the lap of our Lord in all of his glory
And he probably tells you a much greater story
The story of his love for you and for me
And the gift that he gave that won’t fit under a tree
He gave the gift of his life and his grace
So that one day I may have the chance again to see your sweet face
And that is the best gift I will ever receive
So this Christmas Season, I truly do believe
Not in the man with the reindeer and sleigh
But in the man who will bring us together again one day
And so until then I hope you are surrounded by his love and his light
Merry Christmas my boys, sleep well and sleep tight!

How is it going up there boys?

How is going up there Brady and Ben?
You don’t know how much I long to ask you that question.
I ask Braxton about his day when I pick him up after work.
He tells me all about how he played outside on the slide or the swings.
He tells me what he had for lunch.
He tells me about the normal things that a two year old boy does.
Oh how I wish I knew how your day went.
Did you sing with angels?
Did you play on a cloud?
Did you look down on Braxton, me, or Daddy?
Did you hear me when I talked to you?
Just once I would love to hear you tell me that you are okay.
Of course I know that you are but as a mother I long to hear it.
I long to kiss your cheek and tell you that I love you.
So, how is it going up there boys?
Down here it is going okay but we miss you.
So until I am up there with you I will think of you daily.
And every now and then when I see something beautiful that catches my eye
I will take it as a sign that you are telling me that you are okay.

I will smile knowing that my boys are saying

“We had a good day mommy.”

Boys Did You Know

Boys did you know….
When your daddy was a little boy, his mommy passed away
That made your daddy very sad and still bothers him today
Boys did you know …
That daddy was only eight years old and needed his mommy still
But sometimes things happen that we don’t understand and probably never will
Boys did you know...
Your daddy thought he had experienced the worse pain around
Until the day he had to place two of his baby boys in the ground
Boys did you know...
That grown men can cry
They cannot shield their hearts from pain no matter how hard they try
Boys did you know ...
That the one thing that brought your daddy comfort was thinking of his mother
And knowing that the three of you would be up there with each other
Boys did you know...
That you would get to have the mommy that he had to let go
He used to wonder why and now he might just know
For maybe just maybe he had to lose his mommy so she could be there for you
And give him a sense of peace that might just see him through.

I never realized that a building could make you physically ill until now
Every time I go near the hospital where you spent your short little life
My heart begins to beat faster and feel heavier
When I have to actually go in the building I am a complete wreck
I sob uncontrollably at every corner that I turn
For every nook and cranny of that place is filled with a bittersweet memory
Those walls were my world and yours for almost five months
You died in my arms in a little room on the fourth floor
Yes I miss you every day and every moment no matter where I am
But when I go there I feel your presence even more—that is where you lived
We never got to take you home so that hospital is your home—but you are not there anymore
I almost expect to get off the elevator and see you in your tiny little bed
That building is like a time machine and my heart is like a ticking bomb
And when I enter that place it explodes with emotions and memories of you.