To Ben

To Ben

Sometimes I feel that I am more open about my grief over Brady’s death than over yours
But I finally realized that I don’t grieve more for one of you than the other, I just grieve differently
The day they told me that you had no heartbeat
A little piece of my heart stopped too
Although I was pregnant with three baby boys
I was equally excited for all of you
I was excited for what life would hold for you all as individuals and as brothers
Yet I was being told that your life was over before it began
I cried and I grieved and I got angry and that has not changed
When you were born they asked me if I wanted to see you
How could I not want to see this beautiful creature that had grown inside me for all of these months
They warned me that you would look different because you were still
I told them that I still wanted to see my baby
They brought you to me and Daddy wrapped in a tiny little blanket
The first thing I noticed was your nose
You had my nose
Then I noticed your hands and feet
They were perfect
We held you for a few minutes and took you in
They gave me a few mementos of you to keep
I still have them but holding you for that brief moment is the memento I will keep forever
No I don’t grieve in the same way for both of you
But I grieve for both of you still
I grieve for what was, what could have been, and what never will be
I will love you always---Love Mommy

New Year, New Purpose

As I begin the year 2010 I have decided to start updating this blog more. However, I am now solely dedicating this blog to my thoughts and feelings about Brady and Ben. Afterall, the name of the blog pretty much sums up why I created the blog to begin with--to remember and to love Brady and Ben. This blog is really part of my therapy in trying to heal a little bit each day. I know I will never heal completely because when you lose a child, part of your heart dies with them. Part of your heart is gone forever and you can never get it back until you are with your child again. I have also created a second blog that is more dedicated to the every day ramblings surrounding my life with Michael and our surviving son Braxton. You can check that blog out at hangingwiththebutlers.blogspot.com

Happy 2010 everyone!!

The Radio Sings

The Radio Sings

My love will fly to you each night on angel’s wings
These are the words that the radio sings
These are the words that played in your room day after day
These are the words that expressed what I couldn’t say
For I do hope that you can feel my love each night
I hope you can feel my arms around you so tight
I hope you feel my kisses against your cheek
I hope you can hear the soft words that I speak
Good night my two boys and sleep tight
I wish I was there to tuck you in for the night
But you are there and I am here
You seem so far away but yet so near
So until I can be there with you, take this love that the angels bring
And listen to the words that the radio sings
Sweet dreams, little men, sweet dreams

Going Home

Going Home

It never got to happen
I never got to bring you home
I would watch as other babies would move to stepdown
I would count the days until that was you
I would count the days until you came home with us
Everything at the house was ready for you and your brothers
Sweet Ben we lost from the start and we knew he would never make it home
But for you we had hope—lots of hope
We were given many many assurances that you would eventually be just fine
But you were not just fine—you kept having setbacks
You kept getting sicker and sicker until finally there was no hope
Then we counted days again—but this time it was the days we had left with you
The days until you got to go home but not to our home but to your heavenly home
It was not the home we had planned for you
It was not the kind of countdown we had wanted
But in the end-it was the countdown we got

And finally late one night in my arms—you went home

Butterflies

I saw two butterflies today and they took my breath away
Two butterflies just inches from a little boy at play
He smiled at them as they caught his eye
These two little butterflies just fluttering by
Finally they came to rest in a nearby tree
The tree that was planted with love by me
Before I knew it I started to cry
And these two little butterflies were the reason why
A butterfly is a symbol of a mother who has lost a child they say
That is why these two butterflies took my breath away
For I have lost not one child but two
And I wonder if these two little butterflies are a message from you
A message that my two little boys are okay
And just wanted to watch over their brother at play

A new post almost a year later!

I cannot believe that I have not posted to this blog for almost an entire year. However, life happens and sometimes you let some things go. Although Brady and Ben are never far from my thoughts, this time of year is really hard because it is the anniversary of the birth of the babies and the beginning of our heartache. This year is a little easier than last year but the ache in my heart for the two missing little boys who are not here will never go away. Braxton is almost two and is turning in to such a big boy. He is no longer a baby and really has his own little personality. While that makes me so happy, I do wonder what Brady and Ben would look like at this age and what their personalities would be. I think I will always wonder that. I am about to graduate with my Masters in December. I never thought I would make it to the finish line after all that has happened but it looks like I am going to make it. I am proud of myself for pushing on towards my goals. Grief is a funny thing. I am okay most of the time but it still just takes a little something to send it all rushing back. I can't go to Vanderbilt Children's Hospital without having a breakdown but I tell myself that I am allowed to have these breakdowns. Overall, Michael, Braxton and I are doing well and trying to move on with our lives but Brady and Ben will always be part of our family and part of our story.

The One Year Anniversary of the Birth

I have not blogged in quite some time. The one year anniversary of the birth of my babies and the death of Ben is coming up in 16 days. This has been a really painful month for me because it was this time last year that I had all of my baby showers and the last couple of weeks of happiness that I had before my world came crashing down. On a positive note Braxton is doing great and growing up so much more everyday. I am trying to plan his one year birthday party but it is going to be a very difficult day for me. I don't want his birthday to be a sad day every year. He does not deserve that. Yet, I also don't want to forget about Brady and Ben on that day either. I heard about a mother who had one surviving triplet and every year on their birthday the survivor picked out two birthday balloons-one for each of her brothers. She then realeases the balloons to her brothers up in heaven so that they can share their birthday with her in some way. I kind of like that idea and may try to incorporate it into how we get through this time every year. Braxton will probably dictate to me how he wants to remember his brothers when he is old enough to understand what happened. Everyone says that the year of "firsts" is the hardest. I don't know if that is true or not but I do know that I am just really feeling the brunt of the situation a lot here recently as we prepare to face what is surely going to be another emotional time for us.