Missing Brady and Ben Bad Today

Some days are just so much harder than others. I am really missing my babies very bad today. It is almost as if somedays I am so consumed with Braxton and his needs that I don't really have time to think about everything that has happend that much. Yet other times it just hits me that I buried two of my babies just two months ago and I cry as hard as I did the day it happened. I think about all that Brady went through and how much he suffered and I just get angry. I would be lying if I didn't say that at times I hate God, I doubt his existence and I curse his name. However, then when I look at Braxton and the miracle that he is I wondered how I could ever doubt that there is a God. I just don't understand why he would take my other two. Michael came home the other night and told me that they had arrested a man who beat his 10 month old to death. The first thought that came to my mind was "why would God have given them a healthy baby that they were just going to mistreat and take two of mine." Of course that baby did not deserve to die-no baby does but sometimes I am just overwhelmed at the anger I feel now towards everything. I hope and pray every day that I will find some peace and be able to deal with all of this. The pain is just still so fresh.

Getting Motivated for the Road Ahead

I haven't blogged in a while so I thought I would post today. I am due to start work again at the first of July and graduate school again at the end of August. I am really having a hard time getting motivated to get back into "real" life. Ever since everything has happened I have been kinda sheltered in my own house and in my own little world with just me and Braxton. The idea of having to go back and face the everyday tasks of work and school just seem a little overwhelming to me at times. I always knew I would have to go back-even when I thought I would have triplets right now I still planned to go back to work and school eventually. I just thought that I would be going back a happy person with the three little babies I had waited for so long at home waiting for me every day. I just didn't expect to be going back with just one baby and forever changed with the heartache of losing two. I am a different person now. I have seen things in the months that Brady was alive that I couldn't have imagined seeing before. I have held two of my dead babies. I spent six hours with Brady after he died. The idea of that may freak some people out but it was perfectly natural for me to hold and love on this baby that I had known and loved for five months. I am kinda getting off topic here. I say all this to say that even though I have adjusted to not being at the hospital every day now I still have really not had to face the challenge of getting back into my life as it was before. I really would just love to stay at home with Braxton and finish my degree before I go back to work. However part of me feels that it may be good for me to get out there and have some social interaction again. I am just taking things a day at a time. If I do go back to work then I have got to go shopping for some new clothes because there is no way I can fit into my old sizes again quite yet. An excuse to go shopping is always nice-ha-ha.

It has been one year this week since I found out that I was pregnant. It was the happiest time of my life. I had waited so long to be pregnant and I finally was. I cannot believe how much has happened in one year. To go from thinking you will never have a child to thinking you are having three, then two, and now just one all in a year's time is very tough. However in my heart I will always be a mother of triplets. I will always be Brady and Ben's mommy just as I am Braxton's mommy- they just live in heaven now. I have to believe that I will see them both again one day or I simply won't be able to get through the day. We may try to have more children again in the future but they will never replace the two that I have lost. Braxton will always be one of three. I will always let him know just how special his brothers were and just how special he is as well. He is my miracle baby but my heart still aches for my other two. They were all my miracle babies because they made a mother out of a woman who thought she would never have the chance to be one. So today I reflect on the hardest year of my life and I am filled with just about every emotion one can feel-sadness, happiness, relief, fear, anger, guilt, shock, etc... There will never be another year like it.

What its like to be a NICU mommy

What its like to be a NICU mommy

Everyone has seen the happy mommies at the hospital
They stand at the glass window in their robe and admire their baby
Their tiny, perfect little baby
They stand there and they dream about the endless possibilities for this child’s future
Family gathers around them and they take pictures
Congratulations are passed around and hugs are shared
But down the hall behind closed doors there are other mommies
These mommies also wear robes and stand and stare at their babies
But their babies are not so perfect
Something has gone wrong
These mommies stand and peer in at the tiny windows of the incubator
Their babies have tubes down their throat and wires on their chests
There are no congratulations being passed around
In fact there is little being said
These mothers all had hopes and dreams for their child’s future too
However now these mothers just hope that these babies live to have a future
Yet in those brief moments when these mommies get to reach in and touch their baby
Something changes
For one brief moment these mommies are just the same as the mothers down the hall
They are just mother and child bonding like nature intended
Then an alarm goes off or a baby begins to die and they are quickly brought back to the reality of where they are
This is nothing like nature intended
Something has gone wrong
Terribly wrong
They are NICU mommies
A title they did not seek but has found them all the same
Yet the mommies down the hall with the perfect babies and perfect lives are oblivious
And so it goes….

Mother's Day-Bittersweet

This was a really hard weekend for me with it being mother's day. Mother's day was always hard for me when I was going through infertility. I always thought once I had a baby that mother's day would get easier. However, this year I do have a baby but Mother's day was not what I thought it would be since I also lost two babies this year. To be honest I would have rather skipped the day altogether. I wrote two poems the other night when I was feeling sorry for myself. Here they are:

Mother’s Day


Today was my first mother’s day
Today was my last mother’s day
Today was my best day
Today was my worst day
Today I held one sweet baby in my arms
Today I held two sweet babies in my heart
Today one precious baby rests in his crib
Today two precious babies rest in their grave
Today my heart breaks
Today my heart hurts
Today sucks



Where have your brothers gone?

I fed you today and watched you discover your hands
I was happy for one brief moment and I smiled
Then I thought to myself “Oh sweet boy where have your brothers gone?”
They should be here next to you
They should be here discovering their hands
They should be here for you
They should be here for me
They should be here period
But they are not here
They will never discover their hands
They will never take their first step
They will never speak their first word
For they have taken their last breath
You don’t even know what you have lost
But I know
I know and I wonder “Where have your brothers gone?”
Just months ago I had six little hands and feet kicking inside of me
But today there are only two little hands being discovered and yet inside of me something still kicks
The reality of death kicks me so hard it takes my breath away

Brady's Poem

I’ll See You Later Brady

“I’ll see you later Brady” were the words that I would say

As I left your hospital room day after day

And sometimes you would smile and open your eyes

Or sometimes you would sleep through my loving goodbyes

But through it all you were such as sweet little boy

Who brought all you met so much laugher and joy

And now you are free from all your suffering and pain

But mine is still here and will always remain

Yet the one thing that will get me through these darkest of days

Is knowing that we will meet again in life’s after phase

So until that day comes my sweet little son

I will leave you the same as I have always done

Go play with your brother and enjoy your heavenly stay

I’ll see you later Brady, momma loves you-okay

Ben's Poem

Ben

Though you left me before we ever really met
The time you spent within me I will never forget
I felt your sweet kicks inside my womb
But because there were three there wasn’t much room
So God took you back before you suffered too much
But also before you felt my motherly touch
When you were born they took you away
They said they were sorry about “Baby A”
Yet to me you are now just as you were then
Not “Baby A” but my baby Ben
Your brothers survived but were so very small
But we knew you were there watching over us all
Braxton grew big and came home to play
But Brady got sick and had to stay
Day after day he put up a great fight
But he finally got tired and that was alright
Because we knew that he had you waiting up above
To welcome him home and show him your love
So take care of your brother my sweet little Ben
Momma loves you and momma loves him